In our search for a suitable pastor, the following sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates interviewed, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. This list contains first names of the candidates only, with comments on each, should you be interested in any for an extensive interview for pastoral placement:
Noah: 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts
Moses: Stutters; suggested his brother co-pastor with him to assist him; has a reputation for losing his temper over trivial things
Abraham: Ran off to Egypt during hard times. Has had trouble with authorities and tried to lie his way out. Indicted for murder, but not convicted.
David: Great musical talent; songwriter; but has an unacceptable moral record; also accused of murder.
Solomon: Reputation for wisdom, but now up in years, his ethical compromises would disqualify him. Womanizer.
Elijah: Often inconsistent; known to fold under ministerial pressure
Hosea: Family life is chaotic; divorced; married to a known prostitute
Jeremiah: Too emotional; alarmist; doomsday preacher
Amos: Farming background; country preacher type
John: Baptist background; lacks tact; dresses like a hippie
Peter: Impulsive; several witnesses have heard him deny Christ; known for saying wrong things at the wrong times
Paul: Lacks diplomacy; often even harsh; appearance is questionable; preaches too long
Jesus: Tends to offend congregations with his pointed statements, even Bible scholars. Too controversial. Even offended the pastoral search committee with direct questions concerning vision and soul winning.
Judas: Very practical and cooperative; good with money; questions unreasonable expenditures. We recommend this man without hesitation to fill our pastoral vacancy.