Marital Humor

Wife to marriage counselor:
“I think my husband is too self-centered.
For example, last year we won 2 round trip tickets to Hawaii”
“Did you go?”, asked the counselor.
“No: he went by himself – twice.”

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A blond rushes into Starbucks with a coupon in her hand, yelling….
“I win! I win me a husband! And he’s a Native American! I won me a Native American husband!”
The Starbuck’s guy looks at the ticket and says,
“This says, “Win a bagel…..not Winnebago.”

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Two men are golfing when a funeral passes by.
One man takes his hat off and holds it over his heart till the
  funeral passes.
“Wow”, says his friend, “You are sure sensitive to funerals.”
“Well”, says the other as he lines up his putt;
“It’s the least I can do: we were married for 40 years.”

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A cake decorator was asked to inscribe I John 4:18 on a wedding cake:
which reads, “Perfect love casts out all fear”.
He looked up John 4:18 by mistake and inscribed,
“You have had five husbands and the man you now have
is not your husband.”

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Man to man:
“I’m going to leave my wife: she chews her nails.”
“So”, says the other; “Lots of women do”.
“Yeah….but her toenails?”

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A woman meets a friend on the street.
“What’s that box under your arm?”, she asked.
“Oh, I got a box of chocolates for my husband.”
“Wow!, said the other….“THAT was a good trade.”

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FOR SINGLES……………………….
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Boy: “Since I met you, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat….
Girl: “Why not?”
Boy: “I’m broke.”

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Is your girlfriend serious about you?
“I’m not sure……every time I ask her out to dinner,
  she asks if she can bring a date.”

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Boy: “Can I have your phone number?”
Girl: “It’s in the phone book”
Boy: “Well, what’s your name?”
Girl: “It’s in the phone book too”

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Boy: “Could you be happy with a boy like me?”
Girl: “Well, maybe..if he wasn’t too much like you.”

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Boy: “Suzie, will you marry me?”
Girl: “No; but I’ll always admire your good taste in women.”

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Boy: “Have you ever read the book, “Man: Master of Woman?”
Girl:  “Sure: it’s in the library under Fiction

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Boy: “Would you be willing to live on my income?”
Girl: “Sure, but what will you live on?”

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My girl calls me handsome:
Whenever I get money, she says, “Hand some over”.

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Girl to Friend:
“God made man from mud.
Then God made a woman.
This is the correct procedure for any prototype;
First you make the clay model,
Then you make something perfect.”

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Girl to Friend:
“Twenty years after my boyfriend and I get married,
  I expect him to be exactly the same as he is now.”
Friend: “But that’s unreasonable.”
Girl: “Yes, that’s what he is now.”

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A boy is trying to build up the courage to ask his girlfriend’s
dad for her hand in marriage. Finally he calls him.
Boy: “Sir, can I marry your daughter?”
Dad: “Sure: who’s calling?”

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Proud father: “The guy who marries my daughter is really going to get a prize.”
Boyfriend: “Really? Can I see the prize first?”

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Men marry women hoping they won’t change:
Women marry men hoping they will.

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Husband: “When we were first married, you said there was
something about me you loved.”
Wife: “There was: but we spent it all.”

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They’re a ‘happy-go-lucky’ couple:
When they stay home and eat dinner, he’s happy.
When they go out to eat, she’s lucky.

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I spent so much on my girl when we were dating
  I finally had to marry her for my money.

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One girl refused to marry her boyfriend for spiritual reasons……
…..she worshiped money and he was broke.

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Husband to wife:
“Honey, last night I dreamed I stole $100. from your purse.”
Wife:
“Well….just for being so honest, you can keep it.”

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Husband to wife: “I read that men only speak an average of 15,000
words a day, but women speak about 30,000 words.”
Wife: “That’s because we have to tell our husbands everything twice.”
Husband: “What’d ya say?”

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A man and his wife go to the state fair.
He wants to take a ride in the bi-wing, open cockpit airplane, but it
  costs $50.
The wife says, “It may be fun, but fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot says, “If I don’t hear a word out of you during the
    entire ride, it’s free.”
Sure enough, he does loops and flies upside down a bit.
As they are landing, the pilot says,
“OK, I didn’t here a peep out of you: the ride’s free.”
The wife says, “Well…I almost said something
  when Henry fell out…but hey fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

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Daughter: Mama, why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Mother: Because, even then, men would not stop and ask for directions.

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A man on his deathbed is talking to his wife:
“Honey,
You were with me when I filed for bankruptcy
….but you stayed with me.
You were with me when I had my heart attack,
….but you sat for days by my bedside.
You were there when I lost my job,
….but you stuck around.
You were with me when I had that car wreck,
….but you never left me…..
Honey…you’re just bad luck.”

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Have you heard about the new “Divorce Barbie?”
It comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s house, Ken’s money…..

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A man is weeping over another man’s grave.
“Why, O why did he have to die?”, he cries, “My life would have been
so much better if this man had not died.”
A passerby hears him and stops to console him.
The passerby asks, “Who was this man? Was he your father or brother?”
“No”, moans the man, but why O why did he have to die?”
The passerby inquires, “Was he a relative of yours or a friend?”
“No”, the sorrowful man says, “But my life would be wonderful if only he hadn’t died.”
“Well, who was he?”, the passerby asks.
The grieving man says, “He was my wife’s first husband.”

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A 90-year old man is walking along with his new 20-year-old bride.
He meets his doctor and says, “Hey, Doc – I want you to know I took your advice.”
“What advice was that”?, he asks.
“You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful”
“That’s not what I said….I said you have a heart murmur and be careful.”

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The next day, the same 90-year old man is sitting on park bench crying.
His doctor spots him and asks why he is so depressed.
“You know I just married a beautiful 20-year old girl who really loves me.”
“Well, then, why don’t you go home to her?”
“That’s just it, Doc: I can’t remember where I live.”

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Wife: “What do you want for your birthday?”
Husband: “Oh…something that will go from zero to 300 in about 5 seconds.”
So she bought him a bathroom scale.

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Woman to woman:
“My husband is an angel.”
“You’re lucky”, said the other; “Mine’s still living.”

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A man brings his wife to a marriage counselor.
“My wife is frigid”, he says.
So the counselor took the wife in his arms and gives her a
long and passionate kiss.
“Now, THIS is what your wife needs about three times a week.”
“That’s great!”, says the husband…..“I can bring her in on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays!”.

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Cheyenne woman to Sioux woman:
“What’d ya do for your 25th anniversary?”
‘”Took my husband to Alaska”.
“What’re ya gonna do on your 30th?”
“Might go back and get him”.

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Husband and wife are sitting at a sidewalk cafe watching passers-by.
Husband: “Why do so many fat, ugly men get such beautiful young wives?”
Wife: “Oh…why thank you, honey!”

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Sign in a divorce lawyer’s office:
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
OR YOUR HONEY BACK

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The Five Stages of a Marital Flu

The first year of marriage, if his wife has the flu, he says:
“Sugar, I’m worried about my baby doll. You’ve got a bad sniffle
  and I’m taking you to the clinic. Then, I’ll take you
  home and tuck you in. I’ll bring you your meals in bed.”

The second year……
“Listen, Honey-pie, I don’t like the sound of that cough; you
  might want to go to the clinic for a check up. Then go to
    bed and get some rest. OK?”

The third year…..
“Maybe you should lie down for a while, Sweetie.
  I’ll bring you some soup”

The fourth year…..
“Look, dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids and
    washed the dishes, just hit the sack.
     
The fifth year…..
“Why don’t you take some Tylenol instead of sitting around
        barking like a seal?
….and for Pete’s sake: stop sneezing!
      whatcha tryin’ to do, gimmie pneumonia?”

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Man with his wife, walking along a trail, points to a mule.
“Relative of yours?”, he asks.
“Only by marriage”, she replies.

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Adam to God:
I need a wife, Lord.
God to Adam:
She’ll cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam to God:
What can I get for a rib?

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Adam to God:
“Why did you make Eve so beautiful?”
God to Adam:
“So that you would love her.”
Adam to God:
“But why did you make her so stupid?”
God to Adam:
“So that she would love you.”

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“Adam,” asks Eve, “am I the only girl for you?”
“Eve”, says Adam, “You can rest assured – there is no one else.
That night Adam is awakened by someone poking him in his side.
“What are you doing, Eve?”, asks Adam.
“I’m counting your ribs”

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In Genesis 3:7, Adam and Eve made clothing from fig leaves
to cover their nakedness.
That made Adam the first man in history to say,
“I wear the plants in this family!”

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Adam to Eve:
Honey, you’re the best woman I’ve ever known.
Eve to Adam:
Sweetheart, you’re the only man in the world for me.

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Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage:
He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married
….and she didn’t have to hear about his mother’s great cooking.

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A wife calls her husband on his cell: “Honey, I can’t get the car started.”
Husband: “What do you think the problem is?”
Wife: “I think it’s flooded.”
Husband: “Where’s the car now?”
Wife: “It’s in the pool.”

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A wife calls her husband who is driving home from work.
She says, “Honey, be careful. I just heard on the news
some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.”
“No!”, cries the husband; “There’s not just one: there’s HUNDREDS of them!”

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A beautiful girl is at the altar praying. A guy comes up to her and says,
“The Lord spoke to me and told me it is His will that you and I are to be married.”
“Wow”, says the girl, “That’s incredible! Can we tell everyone?”
“Sure”, says the boy, “that’s a great idea.”
“OK”, she says…. “Let’s go tell my husband first.”

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A man is taking a walk when he is run over by a steamroller.
The police call his home to inform his wife.
“I’m taking a bath right now, ” she says – can you just slip
    him under the door?”

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A couple comes to see a marital counselor and tells her their sad story.
“Well,” says the counselor, “Remember the first ten years are the hardest.
  How long have you two been married?”
They reply, “10 years”.

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A couple wanting to get married visit a pastor.
The pastor says, “OK, but first we’ll have to have several sessions of pre-marital counseling.”
“Oh, we don’t need any of that,” the guy says: “We’ve both been married three times”.

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A man is standing in front of his full-length mirror and says to his wife,
“I look so old, I’m wrinkled, I’ve got a pot-belly, I’m ugly, I’m getting bald, I’ve got skin-spots….
…Honey, just tell me one thing about me that’s positive.”
“Well, she says”……There’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”

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A young man asks an elderly male jeweler what’s the best way to keep his wedding band shiny.
Says the wise old jeweler, “Dip it in dishwater three times a day”

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Man to marriage counselor: “My wife thinks I love football more than her.”
How long have you two been married?
The man replies, “Three seasons.”

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An elderly man is on his deathbed. He asks his wife that two attorneys be
summoned to stand beside his bed – one on his left and the other on his right.
“Why?”, she asks.
“Because,” he says, “Jesus died between two thieves and that’s how I want to go.”

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Dad to his son: “I never kissed a girl before I married your mom.
Will you be able to tell your kids that?”

Son: “Not with a straight face.”

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The preacher was preaching a message entitled “Nobody’s Perfect.”
During his sermon he asks if anyone ever knew a perfect person.
“I have”, says one lady.
“You knew someone who was perfect?” asks the preacher.
“Well, not personally, but I’ve heard a lot about her:
she was my husband’s first wife.”

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A husband prepares a surprise supper for his wife who works during the day.
When she arrives, the husband is in tears.
“Honey, I feel so bad about this. I made supper for you, but our dog ate it.”
“O, that’s OK”, says the wife. “We can always buy another dog.”

 

 

Maxim of the Moment

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers