Abbreviation: A very long word

Abode: A wooden plank in Mississippi

Absurdity: An opinion inconsistent with your own

Academic: A synonym for “irrelevant”

Acupuncture: A jab well done

Adult: A person who has stopped growing except in the middle

Alarm Clock: A devise used to scare the daylights into you

Alimony: The high cost of leaving

Ambush: The way a shrub introduces itself

Appeal: The protective covering of a banana

Apology: Politeness too late

Arson: Our daughter’s brother

Artery: Art supply store

Astronomy: A science that’s over-your-head

Atheist: A person with no invisible means of support

Atheistic dyslexic insomniac: A man who can’t sleep, wondering if there is a dog.

Autobiography: The History of Cars

Autopsy:  A dying practice

Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria

Banker: One who loans you an umbrella when the sun is
          shining and wants it back when it rains

Banquet: A plate of cold chicken surrounded by
          broccoli and dull speeches

Bargain: A useless item at an irresistible price

Beacon: Meat from an Alabama pig

Benign: The age you’ll be after you are eight

Bigamist: A fog over Rome

Blackmail: A burned-out post office

Blood vessel: A hospital ship

Bore: Someone who wants to talk when you want him to listen

Buccaneer: What you pay for high-priced corn

Budapest: One who bothers Buddha

Bulldozer: A person who sleeps through a political speech

Caesarian Section: A district in Rome

Cannibals: People fed up with people

Cauliflower: A collie’s favorite flower

Coward: One who, in an emergency, thinks with his legs

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes

Cartoons: Automobile music

Cheerios: Doughnut seeds

Claustrophobia: Fear of St. Nick

Coach: A person willing to lay down someone else’s life
        for his own sake

Coffee: Break fluid

Commentator: An ordinary potato

Committee: A group whose purpose is to delay action
              as long as possible

Committee: One person’s confusion multiplied by the number present

Committee: A group that keeps minutes while wasting hours

Condescend: Escape from a second-story prison

Co-signer: A fool with a pen

Crackpot: A psycho ceramic

Deceit: What gets sat on

Defeat: What’s at the end of your legs

Depressed: A bankrupt dry cleaner

Derange: Where de deer and de antelope play

Dermatologist: One who makes rash statements

Dilate: To live to a ripe old age

Diet: Short period of starvation preceding weight gain

Diplomacy: Looking for a rock while repeating “nice doggy”….or
              The art of letting someone have your way

Dismemberment: To forget someone

Dogma: Mother of a puppy

Dogmatic: Sled powered by Huskies

Duty: What is expected of others

Eclipse: What a British barber does

Editor: One who makes a long story short

Education: That which hides from the foolish their lack of understanding

Egotist: Someone more interested in himself than in me

Epistle: The wife of an apostle

Etc.:  Abbreviation used by students in an attempt to make instructors
        believe they have additional information

Evolution:  Science fiction

Exhaustion: Muffler installation

Exhilaration: The feeling you get before you realize what’s wrong
                with a great idea that hits you

Experience: One’s own mistakes…..defined

Expert: A person, away from home, who gives advice

Expressed:  currently wrinkled

Failure: The path of least persistence

Falsehood: A wanna-be gang-banger

Fibula: A small lie

Fishing: An uninhabited body of water surrounded
          by liars in old clothes

Flare:  Alabama word for flower

Flattery: The phony express

Football Fan: A man smart enough to understand the game
                and dumb enough to think it’s important.

Fortuneteller: Séance fiction

Forger: A man who makes a name for himself

Frostbite: What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire

Gambling: The art of getting nothing for something

Germinate: To be born in Germany

Germinate:  Sneezing on another

Genealogist: One who traces your family tree as far as
              your money will go
Goblet: A small turkey

Gold Digger: A human gimmee pig

Golf: An ineffectual attempt to put an illusive ball into an
      obscure hole with implements ill adapted to the purpose

Golfer: A man with a fairway look in his eye

Gossip: A person with a lively sense of rumor

Grad Student: One who has begun to depend upon his wife’s
                income instead of his parents’

Gravity: that which always gets you down

Gruesome: What your child did at summer camp

Ham Hocks: Pawning your pigs

Hanging: A suspended sentence

Hangover: The wrath of grapes

Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg

Heirloom:  A dead giveaway

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does

Horse Sense: What someone has with a stable mind

Humanitarian: A person who eats only people

Hypnotism: Rheumatism in the hip

Hypochondriac: Someone who won’t leave well enough alone

Impeccable: Something chickens can’t eat

Impeach:  To pelt with fruit

Insecticide: A bug that kills himself

Instinct: A skunk’s defense mechanism

Intelligence : Admirable quality possessed by one
                who always agrees with you

Intense: Where camper’s sleep

Invoice: Your conscience

Junk: An item discarded a week before you need it

Kinship: Your rich uncle’s boat

Kiss: An action which stops speech when words are unnecessary

Knapsack: A sleeping bag

L.A. Dodgers: Jaywalkers in Los Angeles

Laughingstock: Cattle with a sense of humor

Launch: Food at noon

Locomotive:  Insanity plea

Lottery: A tax on people who can’t do the math

Mammogram: A telegram from your mother

Marriage Proposal: Result of imagination exceeding common sense

Martyr: One who lives with a saint

Mathematician: A man with serious problems

Midwife:  second spouse of three

Minimum: A very small mother

Misnomer: Mr. Nomer’s wife

Monologue: A conversation with a politician

Mummies: Egyptians pressed for time

Myth: A female moth

Narcissist: Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.

New Year’s Resolution: Something that goes in
              one year – and out the other

Nothing: The presence of absence

Nacho cheese: Cheese that ain’t yours

Nuclear Scientists: A person with a lot of ions in the fire

Nutrient: A very small neutron

Obesity: Living beyond your seams

Optimist: One who marries a pessimist

Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way

Orator: One who makes idle chatter sound like deep thought

Overbite: An affliction suffered by gluttons

Overweight: One who’s had his just desserts

Over-educated: Killing yourself by degrees

Pachydermatologist: What you get when you cross
          an elephant with a skin doctor  

Pandemonium: Apartment complex for pandas

Patience: A form of despair disguised as a virtue

Paradox: Twin physicians

Paralyze: Two falsehoods

Parking spot: A space filled by somebody else’s vehicle

Parrot: The only creature who repeats what it hears without changing it

Pedestrian: A man who thought there were still a couple of gallons left in the gas tank

Pessimist: A man who looks for a coffin whenever he smells flowers….or
              One who looks at the world through woes-colored glasses.

Pew:  Medieval torture device still found in some churches

Plateau: A high form of flattery

Politician: One with the ability to foretell what will happen tomorrow and to
                explain later why it didn’t happen.

Preacher: One who talk’s in another person’s sleep

Procrastinator: A person who keeps up with yesterday

Prospector: One who mines his own business

Protein: To be in favor of teenagers

Psychopath: Road traveled by the insane

Punctuality: The art of arriving in time to note another’s tardiness

Puppy love: What leads to a dog’s life

Quarterback: A small refund

Racism:  the belief that fast is better

Rattlesnake: A tattle-tail

Refuse: To install new fuses

Repossessed: What you get when you let the devil in again

Rome: What buffalo do

Rookie: A Chinese Oreo

Rotisserie: A Ferris wheel for dead chickens

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife

Sanka: Brand of coffee served on the Titanic

Secret: News told to one person at a time

Senator: A politician who’s been dead for 10 or 15 years.

Shin: The bone most often used for finding obstacles in the dark

Silence: The hardest argument to refute.

Spokesman: Bicycle mechanic

Spoiled milk: What you get from a pampered cow

Stockholder: Rodeo cowboy who keeps
              the chute closed ‘till he is signaled

Subordinate Clause: Santa’s helper

Subway: Underground movement

Tact: The art of knowing what not to say…..or
      Getting your point across without stabbing someone

Tattoo: Permanent proof of temporary insanity

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport

Unabated: A worm-less fishhook

Vegetarian: One who refuses to eat meat in public

Varicose: Nearby

Wastebasket:  receptacle near where trash is tossed

Western union: A cowboy wedding

Wholesome: The only thing you can take the whole
                from and still have some left

Will: A dead giveaway

Winter: A season that comes in one year and out the other

Woman Driver: Female blamed for slowing down a man who isn’t

Zealotry: What a tree salesman likes to do

Zoo: A place where animals study human behavior


( 195 ct)

Maxim of the Moment

Success is getting up one more time than the number of times you fall down. - Julie Bowden