Abbreviation: A very long word
Abode: A wooden plank in Mississippi
Absurdity: An opinion inconsistent with your own
Academic: A synonym for “irrelevant”
Acupuncture: A jab well done
Adult: A person who has stopped growing except in the middle
Alarm Clock: A devise used to scare the daylights into you
Alimony: The high cost of leaving
Ambush: The way a shrub introduces itself
Appeal: The protective covering of a banana
Apology: Politeness too late
Arson: Our daughter’s brother
Artery: Art supply store
Astronomy: A science that’s over-your-head
Atheist: A person with no invisible means of support
Atheistic dyslexic insomniac: A man who can’t sleep, wondering if there is a dog.
Autobiography: The History of Cars
Autopsy: A dying practice
Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria
Banker: One who loans you an umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back when it rains
Banquet: A plate of cold chicken surrounded by
broccoli and dull speeches
Bargain: A useless item at an irresistible price
Beacon: Meat from an Alabama pig
Benign: The age you’ll be after you are eight
Bigamist: A fog over Rome
Blackmail: A burned-out post office
Blood vessel: A hospital ship
Bore: Someone who wants to talk when you want him to listen
Buccaneer: What you pay for high-priced corn
Budapest: One who bothers Buddha
Bulldozer: A person who sleeps through a political speech
Caesarian Section: A district in Rome
Cannibals: People fed up with people
Cauliflower: A collie’s favorite flower
Coward: One who, in an emergency, thinks with his legs
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
Cartoons: Automobile music
Cheerios: Doughnut seeds
Claustrophobia: Fear of St. Nick
Coach: A person willing to lay down someone else’s life
for his own sake
Coffee: Break fluid
Commentator: An ordinary potato
Committee: A group whose purpose is to delay action
as long as possible
Committee: One person’s confusion multiplied by the number present
Committee: A group that keeps minutes while wasting hours
Condescend: Escape from a second-story prison
Co-signer: A fool with a pen
Crackpot: A psycho ceramic
Deceit: What gets sat on
Defeat: What’s at the end of your legs
Depressed: A bankrupt dry cleaner
Derange: Where de deer and de antelope play
Dermatologist: One who makes rash statements
Dilate: To live to a ripe old age
Diet: Short period of starvation preceding weight gain
Diplomacy: Looking for a rock while repeating “nice doggy”….or
The art of letting someone have your way
Dismemberment: To forget someone
Dogma: Mother of a puppy
Dogmatic: Sled powered by Huskies
Duty: What is expected of others
Eclipse: What a British barber does
Editor: One who makes a long story short
Education: That which hides from the foolish their lack of understanding
Egotist: Someone more interested in himself than in me
Epistle: The wife of an apostle
Etc.: Abbreviation used by students in an attempt to make instructors
believe they have additional information
Evolution: Science fiction
Exhaustion: Muffler installation
Exhilaration: The feeling you get before you realize what’s wrong
with a great idea that hits you
Experience: One’s own mistakes…..defined
Expert: A person, away from home, who gives advice
Expressed: currently wrinkled
Failure: The path of least persistence
Falsehood: A wanna-be gang-banger
Fibula: A small lie
Fishing: An uninhabited body of water surrounded
by liars in old clothes
Flare: Alabama word for flower
Flattery: The phony express
Football Fan: A man smart enough to understand the game
and dumb enough to think it’s important.
Fortuneteller: Séance fiction
Forger: A man who makes a name for himself
Frostbite: What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire
Gambling: The art of getting nothing for something
Germinate: To be born in Germany
Germinate: Sneezing on another
Genealogist: One who traces your family tree as far as
your money will go
Goblet: A small turkey
Gold Digger: A human gimmee pig
Golf: An ineffectual attempt to put an illusive ball into an
obscure hole with implements ill adapted to the purpose
Golfer: A man with a fairway look in his eye
Gossip: A person with a lively sense of rumor
Grad Student: One who has begun to depend upon his wife’s
income instead of his parents’
Gravity: that which always gets you down
Gruesome: What your child did at summer camp
Ham Hocks: Pawning your pigs
Hanging: A suspended sentence
Hangover: The wrath of grapes
Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg
Heirloom: A dead giveaway
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does
Horse Sense: What someone has with a stable mind
Humanitarian: A person who eats only people
Hypnotism: Rheumatism in the hip
Hypochondriac: Someone who won’t leave well enough alone
Impeccable: Something chickens can’t eat
Impeach: To pelt with fruit
Insecticide: A bug that kills himself
Instinct: A skunk’s defense mechanism
Intelligence : Admirable quality possessed by one
who always agrees with you
Intense: Where camper’s sleep
Invoice: Your conscience
Junk: An item discarded a week before you need it
Kinship: Your rich uncle’s boat
Kiss: An action which stops speech when words are unnecessary
Knapsack: A sleeping bag
L.A. Dodgers: Jaywalkers in Los Angeles
Laughingstock: Cattle with a sense of humor
Launch: Food at noon
Locomotive: Insanity plea
Lottery: A tax on people who can’t do the math
Mammogram: A telegram from your mother
Marriage Proposal: Result of imagination exceeding common sense
Martyr: One who lives with a saint
Mathematician: A man with serious problems
Midwife: second spouse of three
Minimum: A very small mother
Misnomer: Mr. Nomer’s wife
Monologue: A conversation with a politician
Mummies: Egyptians pressed for time
Myth: A female moth
Narcissist: Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.
New Year’s Resolution: Something that goes in
one year – and out the other
Nothing: The presence of absence
Nacho cheese: Cheese that ain’t yours
Nuclear Scientists: A person with a lot of ions in the fire
Nutrient: A very small neutron
Obesity: Living beyond your seams
Optimist: One who marries a pessimist
Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way
Orator: One who makes idle chatter sound like deep thought
Overbite: An affliction suffered by gluttons
Overweight: One who’s had his just desserts
Over-educated: Killing yourself by degrees
Pachydermatologist: What you get when you cross
an elephant with a skin doctor
Pandemonium: Apartment complex for pandas
Patience: A form of despair disguised as a virtue
Paradox: Twin physicians
Paralyze: Two falsehoods
Parking spot: A space filled by somebody else’s vehicle
Parrot: The only creature who repeats what it hears without changing it
Pedestrian: A man who thought there were still a couple of gallons left in the gas tank
Pessimist: A man who looks for a coffin whenever he smells flowers….or
One who looks at the world through woes-colored glasses.
Pew: Medieval torture device still found in some churches
Plateau: A high form of flattery
Politician: One with the ability to foretell what will happen tomorrow and to
explain later why it didn’t happen.
Preacher: One who talk’s in another person’s sleep
Procrastinator: A person who keeps up with yesterday
Prospector: One who mines his own business
Protein: To be in favor of teenagers
Psychopath: Road traveled by the insane
Punctuality: The art of arriving in time to note another’s tardiness
Puppy love: What leads to a dog’s life
Quarterback: A small refund
Racism: the belief that fast is better
Rattlesnake: A tattle-tail
Refuse: To install new fuses
Repossessed: What you get when you let the devil in again
Rome: What buffalo do
Rookie: A Chinese Oreo
Rotisserie: A Ferris wheel for dead chickens
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife
Sanka: Brand of coffee served on the Titanic
Secret: News told to one person at a time
Senator: A politician who’s been dead for 10 or 15 years.
Shin: The bone most often used for finding obstacles in the dark
Silence: The hardest argument to refute.
Spokesman: Bicycle mechanic
Spoiled milk: What you get from a pampered cow
Stockholder: Rodeo cowboy who keeps
the chute closed ‘till he is signaled
Subordinate Clause: Santa’s helper
Subway: Underground movement
Tact: The art of knowing what not to say…..or
Getting your point across without stabbing someone
Tattoo: Permanent proof of temporary insanity
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport
Unabated: A worm-less fishhook
Vegetarian: One who refuses to eat meat in public
Varicose: Nearby
Wastebasket: receptacle near where trash is tossed
Western union: A cowboy wedding
Wholesome: The only thing you can take the whole
from and still have some left
Will: A dead giveaway
Winter: A season that comes in one year and out the other
Woman Driver: Female blamed for slowing down a man who isn’t
Zealotry: What a tree salesman likes to do
Zoo: A place where animals study human behavior
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( 195 ct)