Bulletin Bloopers

The Hallelujah Chorus will be sung this Sunday morning without musical accomplishment.

Come hear our choir – they are internationally renounced.

Proceeds of the bake sale will be used to help cripple children.

The marriage of Judy Brown and Tom Hendricks announced in last’s weeks bulletin was a mistake.

Mr. Edwards, father of 14 children, was accidentally shot by his son last week when he was mistaken for a rabbit.

Will the Low-Self-Esteem Group that meets each Friday please use the back door.

Our Christian Education Director, Mr. Thompson was struck last Tuesday by an auto riding on his motorcycle.

After coffee time, nursery-workers are asked to empty the coffee pot and stand upside down in the sink.

This Saturday, the ladies will host a Bargain Basement upstairs in the Education building.

Please attend the Human Video next Wednesday entitled “Devils and Demons.”  A record attendance is expected.

Please pray for our electrician who, while working on our new church building, received minor burns when he came in contact with a high-voltage wife.

The Annual Business Report listed our Associate Pastor as being absent. He was present and we are sorry.

Pastor requests that the person who borrowed the ladder will return it so that no further steps will be taken.

Anyone leaving their garments for more than 30 days in the coat-room will be disposed of.

New choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

The Youth Snack Bar will be closed till opening time.

Come to the Church Renaissance Festival. You’ll enjoy the Med evil Atmosphere.

Mrs. Adler requests protection for her husband who is a defective in the police farce.

Tonight’s sermon:  “What is Hell?”  Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication will follow.

Don’t let worry kill you!  Let the church help.

The Belch family from Cameroon will be our guest missionaries tonight. Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Scriptures read today are from the King James Virgin.

FASTING CONFERENCE. The registration fee for this conference includes meals.

Miss Helen Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, remember the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at Fowler’s farm. Bring your own hot dogs and guns.

Theodore Stevens is looking for a good home for his Great Dane. Although this is a large dog, he is is friendly and eats only
    once a day. Loves kids.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. 

The Peacemakers Meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital. She is having trouble sleeping and requests CD’s of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The “Over 60’s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer –  with our gratitude.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

It is rude to leave the service while the Pastor is preaching. If you must heave, please do so quietly.

Tuesday is our annual Quilting Exposition. Please come and share your guilts with others.

Since Pastor Stevens is on vacation, the preacher for next Sunday will be found hanging on the bulletin board.

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

Pastor’s message on “Backbiting” will be preceded by the offertory hymn “I Love to Tell the Story.”

Nominations will be accepted at the next business meeting for Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.

As Pastor Burns is on vacation, Rev. Jack Smith will be our visiting monster today.

Due to the growth of the Weight Watchers group on Thursday evenings, they will now meet in the gymnasium.

Weight Watches will meet a 7 pm.  Please use the side entrance double doors.

Be cheerful! Smile and greet our Sunday morning visitors with a cheerful “HELL!”!

The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s tragedy entitled Hamlet this Friday at 6 pm. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

This Sunday, Mrs. Wilson will be our soloist for the morning service, followed by pastor’s message “Deliver Us, O God”.

Mrs. Thompson is expected to recover from her fatal car crash. After church last Sunday night, she swerved to avoid hitting a jaywalker with no headlights.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you wish to be remembered.

God desires a peaceful democracy in our country. Pray for the Lord to preserve America’s Peace and Debauchery.

Our special guest speaker is the founder of a new ministry for the downtrodden and homeless; loves hurting people.

Sunday School teachers are not allowed to miss a Sunday School class they are teaching

Members of our church, who are members, may encourage other persons to become members.

40-year membership pins will be awarded this Sunday for all who have been members for 40 years.

Steve Benson and Jessica Carter were married this past Sunday in the church. So ends a friendship that began many years ago.

Immediately following the offertory, Pastor Wilson will give his massage.

The Prayer Group met at the home of Lisa Daniels, who is no longer able to attend church. What a blessing.

Pastor’s message this morning is entitled, “The Treasurer Hidden in the Field.”

Volunteers are needed to assist with the mailing of the church newsletter and stapling of the Annual Report to our members.

A new sound system will soon be installed, due to the agnostics in our sanctuary.

 

 

Maxim of the Moment

You can’t go forward looking backwards. - Tommy Barnett