TO: Whom It May Concern
RE: Annual Prophetic Conferences
We are pleased to announce four conferences – each one devoted to a different view of prophecy.
1. The Amillenial Conference will meet in Babylon. Highlights include a tour of the Mystical Museum. All sessions are under the direction of the self-acclaimed theologian and tele-evangelist Dr. Herman Dingleberry, son of the infamous scholar who swore the Rapture would occur at midnight on December 31st, 1999. Deviating from Amillennial theology, the registration fee cannot be symbolically interpreted: it is literal. A series of question and answer sessions will attempt to explain why the Millennium will not take place – in case it does not.
2. The Pretribulation Conference will assemble in Jerusalem and last only one day, but it could seem like a thousand years. Registration is limited to 144,000. Since no one knows the exact the day or hour, attendees are urged to be in a state of readiness. There will be a display of outdated prophetic charts, as well as lectures that explain why Pretribulationists are constantly searching the sky. Registration begins at midnight – so any delegate can arrive ‘as a thief in the night’. For the children, rides on white horses are provided.
3. The Midtribulation Conference will last exactly three and one half days. Several locations are under consideration, including Las Vegas, Vatican City, and Cow Springs, Arizona. There will be workshops on biblical numerology, the Omega Code, and a special seminar entitled: “Stress Relief and Relaxation: Believers Have 42 Months to Prepare for the Rapture”. Digital headsets will be issued due to the anticipated noise cause by trumpet blasts. There will be a panel discussion concerning why Midtribulationists write no commentaries to expound their pet theories – but simply re-interpret everyone else’s.
4. The Posttribulation Conference will be held on the Mount of Olives and will last a full week – or seven days – which ever comes first. White robes and gold-toned slippers are included in the registration packet. We are anticipating a numberless multitude, so email or text your reservation right away. Those who pre-register will receive a free “Tribulation Survival Kit” containing a gas mask, 7 days of rations, and a 7-page study guide on Eschatology which discloses the flaws in all other theories. Included in this package are special limited-edition dog-tags to identify your body..
At no time will all delegates meet together, since there are enough problems in the world already. Convention coordinators reserve the right to cancel all four conferences should the Rapture take place. If this happens, we will all gather for fellowship and discuss “The Pan Theory” …. since it all panned-out in the end anyway.