Church voice mail:
“For our church service schedule, press one.
For our office hours, press two.
If you want to pray alone, hang up.”

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Conversation overheard:

What do you believe about God?
I believe what my church believes.
What does your church believe?
They believe what I believe.
What do you and your church believe?
We believe the same thing.

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The preacher was long on his sermon and it was way past noon.
A man gets up to leave and the preacher shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? I'm not finished!"
The man says, "I'm going to get a haircut"
The preacher says, "Well, why didn't you get a haircut before you
came in here?”
The man says, “When I came in here, I didn’t need a haircut”

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The singer in church last Sunday had a "prisoner's voice" -
always behind a few bars…...and trying to find the right key.

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The preacher was clocked at 275 words-per-minute with
gusts up to 340.

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Pastor:
“My people don’t want to come to church on Sunday evenings,
    so I stop having Sunday PM services 6 months ago”
Evangelist:
“Well, what do your deacons think about that?”
Pastor:
“They ain’t found out about it yet”

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Boy to friend:
“My great, great Grandpa was killed during the Battle of Little Big Horn”
“Wow”, says his friend, “Was he in the Cavalry”?
“No”, says the boy….“He was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise”

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Three boys are walking in the city.
The first boy says, "My dad's a great doctor and he owns that hospital"
The second boy says, "My dad's a lawyer and owns that law firm"
The preacher's son says, "My dad owns hell"
"Wow", say the others, "Are you sure?"
"Yep: I heard him telling mom about it last night:
...the deacons gave it to him"

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First day of class, a new seminary student has many questions, so
he asks his professor…...

Student: “Who wrote the Book of Hebrews?”
Professor: “I don’t know”
Student: “What did Jesus write in the sand?”
Professor: “I don’t know”
Student: “Would Moses have become the Pharaoh if he’d stayed in Egypt?”
Professor: “I don’t know”
Student: “Did Adam have a navel”?
Professor: “I don’t know”
Student: I’m sorry I ask so many questions.
Professor: “Oh, that’s OK: how else ya ever gonna learn anything?”

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Girl: God, "What's a million years to you?"
GOD: "Only a minute"
Girl: "And what's a million dollars to you?"
GOD: "Only a penny"
Girl: "OK, God….so can I have a penny?"
GOD: "In a minute"

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FUNNY LABELS

On a Sears hairdryer:  “Do not use while sleeping”

On a bag of potato chips: “You could be a winner! Look inside!  No purchase necessary!”

On a Swanson frozen dinner: “Serving suggestions: first, defrost”

On a microwave dinner: “Product will be hot after heating”

On a steam iron: “Warning: do not iron clothes on body”

On a children’s cold medicine bottle: “Do not drive or operate heavy machinery after taking this medication”

On a bottle of Nytol sleep aid: “Warning: may cause drowsiness”

On a box of Christmas tree lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”

On a chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop movement of chain with your hand”

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing this garment will not enable user to fly”

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A blond, a brunette and a redhead become shipwrecked on a small island.
Discovering a lamp, they rub it and out pops a genie.
He says,“I usually grant someone three wishes, but since there are three of you,
you each can have one wish”.
The brunette says, “I wish I was home” and poof, she disappears.
The redhead says, “I wish I was back home also” and poof, she disappears.
The blond says, “Wow, it sure is lonely around here now….I wish I had my friends back”.

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A woman boards the bus, holding her baby.
The bus driver comments, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
As she sits down, mad and steaming, the lady beside her
asks what's the matter.
She said, "That bus driver insulted me!"
The lady says, "Well, you can't let him talk to you like that,
go and tell him what you think of him….here,
I'll hold your monkey"

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At the funeral of a Senator, an ambitious young politician
  approaches Woodrow Wilson. “I would like to take the
    Senator’s place”, he says. Wilson says, “It’s perfectly
      agreeable to me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”

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True story:
The day after an American plane is shot down by Libyan jets,
the White House is in turmoil because aids fail to wake
President Reagan in the middle of the night to inform him.
He says, "Next time anything like this happens, no matter what time
it is, wake me up - even if it's in the middle of a cabinet meeting."

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A man applies for a job and is asked a few questions:
“Where have you worked?”
Here and there.
“When have you worked?”
Off and on.
“What kind of work have you done?”
This and that.
“Fine: come back and see me…....now and then”

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A seven-year-old has just been baptized, but is crying on the way home.
“What’s the matter?”, ask his parents.
“Well, the preacher said I’d be brought up in a good Christian home…..
.....but I wanna stay with you guys”.

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A dad is telling his young son the story of Sodom. He read;
"Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city, but his wife looked
back and became a pillar of salt".
The boy asks, "What happened to the flea?"

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A tightwad makes it to heaven. St. Peter leads him on a tour. They pass by numerous
  fabulous mansions until they stop at the end of a street in front of a shack.
“This is where you’ll live”, says St. Peter.
“How come?!”, yells the man.
“St. Peter replies, “We did the the best we could with the money you sent us”.

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A shabby homeless man comes to a service in a fancy church.
The pastor says to him, “Don’t come back again unless you ask God
how you should dress when you come here.”
Next week the man returns, dressed the same.
The pastor asks, “Didn’t I tell you to ask God how to dress when you come to our church?”
“I did”, the man said, “but God said He didn’t know ‘cause He’d never been here.”

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A survivor is stranded on a small island for several years.
One day a passing ship spots his signal fire and brings him aboard.
As they leave the island, the captain notices three huts on shore
and asks the rescued man about them.
"The first hut is where I lived and the second hut was my church."
The captain asks about the third one.
"O…..that's where I USED to go to church."

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As a man is leaving church, he says to the pastor,
"That was a heck of a sermon."
The pastor said, "Brother, we don't use euphemisms in our church."
"OK, but I thought it was such a heck of a sermon I put $1,000. in the offering."
"Dang!" says the pastor.

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The pastor was preaching such a long sermon, an elderly man falls asleep.
After the service, an elderly lady wakes him and introduces herself.
"Hello", she says, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
The man says, "You ain't the only one."

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A pastor asks a man who had been attending his church for several months
why he had not yet joined the army of the Lord.
"I'm already in the Lord's Army", says the man…....: "in His secret service.".

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