In epitaphs, the rarest quality is truth. In other words, you can’t judge the deceased by his casket. Believe epitaphs and you’ll soon wonder, “Where are all the bad people buried?” So, here is a sampler of epitaphs . Most were taken from actual gravestones throughout the world.


You have no say in birth and death - so enjoy the interval.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was young and brave and fair; but the Injuns raised his hair.
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Beneath this stone lies Anabella Young;
Who, at 96, began to hold her tongue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve made a lot of good deals in my life, but I sure went in the hole on this one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies a man who done no good
And if He’d lived he never would;
Where he’s gone and how he fares,
No one knows and no one cares
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Here a professor lies;
  let us not regret him:
  when the dead shall rise –
  he’ll forget to:  let him”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“As I am now, so will you be:
  prepare thyself to follow me”
(underneath this, someone wrote…)
“To follow you, I am not content,
  until I know just where you went!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Here lies the body of Jim Thompson
who was accidentally shot with one of
the old colt revolvers and of such
is the Kingdom of God”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies Captain Fred Searcy,
Accidentally shot by his sergeant.
Well done, thou good and faithful servant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies Joe Saggie.
Dead at age 35.
Buried at age 68.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies Fred
Who was alive and is dead.
Had it been his sister,
No one would have missed her.
Had it been his whole generation,
‘Twould be better for the nation.
But since it is only Fred,
Who was alive and is dead,
There is no more to be said.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies my wife
When her life was spent,
She kicked up her heels
And away she went
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I told you I was sick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beneath this stone my wife doth lie:
Now she’s at rest and so am I
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I laid my wife beneath this stone
For her rest and for my own
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies my wife, without a blanket;
But dead as a door nail and God be thankit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies the body of Samantha Proctor;
Who caught a cold but saw no doctor.
She couldn’t stay - but had to go.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When death took his soul up,
His body filled this hole up
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Erected to the memory of John Webster,
Accidentally shot.
As a mark of affection by his brother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies the body of Fredrick Mound
Who was lost at sea and never found
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I lie – no wonder I’m dead,
For an oxcart rolled over my head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To all my friends I bid adieu,
A quicker death, none ever knew,
As I was leading my mule to drink,
She kicked and killed me
Quick as a wink
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies the body of WW
Who will nevermore trouble you,
Trouble you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a pastor’s tombstone:

Go tell the church that I am dead,
But they need shed no tears;
For though I’m dead, I’m no more dead
Than they have been for years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom is buried here.
He was born, he lived, he died
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies the carcass of a cursed sinner
Now being roasted for the Devil’s dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies Maude
Have mercy on her soul, God
As I would have if I were God
And you were Maude
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My hour has come; my days are spent:
I was called away – and away I went
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies I
Killed by a sky-rocket in the eye
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Light may the earth rest on thee
That dogs may dig up thy bones easily
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies Sarah
Who was never so charming
As she is now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I could not live forever
I would not if I could
But I need not fret about it
For I could not if I would
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies a Jezebel
And though her soul is in hell
Here her corpse will lay
Till resurrection day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies Johnny Pugg
Who lies snug
As a bug
In a rug
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beneath this slab
George Tate is stowed;
Who watched the girls
And not the road
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She sleeps alone at last
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies a poor woman who was tired,
For in her home, no maid was hired:
Her last words were “friends, I’m going
Where there’s no washing or sewing;
Don’t mourn for me now,
Don’t mourn for me never –
For I’m gonna do nothing for ever and ever.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She lived with her husband for sixty five years
and died confident there was a better life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies my beloved husband Jim,
Rest in peace, darling, ‘till I come
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Born crying, lived griping, died disappointed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For Tom, this was a good career move
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feared not death –
I just didn’t want to be down here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only when he was put to bed with a
shovel did he stop complaining
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beneath this stone, in this earth
Lies Mr. Alfred Daniels,
Who, too early in the spring
Took off his winter flannels
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I lie tween two good wives,
Millie and Tillie.
I loved them both –
But tilt me a little toward Millie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here lies Maggie, an army mule,
Who, in her lifetime, kicked 2
Corporals, 5 sergeants, 3 captains
7 enlisted personnel, and one land mine

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SO LIVE THAT THE PREACHER DOES
NOT HAVE TO LIE AT YOUR FUNERAL

 


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